Kessie passed away last night. 12:15am, 6th February 2009.
I cannot believe I almost didn't come home.
Funny how circumstances allowed for 3 of us to be home and right there with her when she left. And for that I should feel thankful.
But I still cannot accept the fact that she's gone... It is just so inconceivable to think that when she's been a constant presence in my life for 13 years. 13 out of my 21 years. She lived 91 dog years.
Yesterday morning I was scheduled to feed her breakfast and medicine. I grumbled about it all night the day before as it was really late and I had a long day the following day. So yesterday, I came home for 20mins, and the only thing I did was force feed her. I didn't really talk to her, I didn't really stroke her. I even scolded her for struggling while I fed her. I was rushing to school as I had a meeting. When my meeting ended at 2.. I stoned in school for 5 hours just to play basketball. After that I went for supper which I didn't eat because I didn't trust the stall, and came home to eat instead. It just before 12 when I got home.
I am such a horrible owner. I don’t know what to call myself. I love her to bits and this is how I treat her. I complain about being the one to have to feed her. I spend the whole day in school doing useless stupid things when I could have been home to accompany her and nurse her back to health.
Jie came home around 8 before leaving again intending to feed her her food when she got back. She noticed Kessie seemed weak but didn't think it was serious. She told the maid to watch her. Then when I came home, I did call kessie and I stroked her... and I went to eat my dinner and let Jie handle the feeding. After I ate, Jie said that kessie's eyes looked weird.. I did not think anything could be wrong and I took a look. I touched her head and looked at her and I saw her eyes rolling to the back of her head. I suddenly felt alarmed. I didn't know what was happening to her. She didn't resist my touch and her head just rolled. Maybe she had another stroke? Her breathing then was so soft and weak...
First thought I had was to send her to the vet immediately.. I didn't know what was happening but I felt it was serious. She just wasn't responding. Then I wondered if we should let her go instead of rushing off to the vet. Jie put Kessie on the ground and we stopped feeding her. I touched her and kept asking her what should we do. We repeatedly tried to feel for her heartbeat and Margie maintained it was still there. We told mummy and she started to get ready to drive us there. Then I look at her again and I see she has stopped breathing.. My heart could have just stopped then, I kept trying to feel for her heartbeat and I couldn't feel anything. We lost her. Just like that. She was gone.
Feeling panic, then immediately wanting to do something and believing something could have been done for her, and then to lose her. It was so awful. And it is so fresh in my mind. I will never forget it. The utter helplessness..
I should be happy that at least I was there when she left, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But I cannot believe she's gone.
Kessie had her stroke at least 2 weeks ago. The vet told us she believed it was due to some kind of trauma, something had hit her back. Afterwards, she became paralysed in her hind legs, her front legs didn't work so well as she couldn't relax her muscles properly and they were always very rigid. Her back muscles weren't strong either as she could not sit up on her own. Before she had the stroke, she was very much the Kessie I knew since I was 8. She would still run out and bark whenever I came home. She'd wag her tail happily and follow me around the house. She'd sit under my feet at the dining table. She'd come when I call her. It was such a shock to me when she had her stroke. I was so upset kessie lost that vitality she always had about her. I was so upset Kessie would never walk and run again.. Would never go anywhere or do anything as and when she wanted. I wasn't sure if this half-life that Kessie had was one that she wanted.
I brought her to the vet one week after her stroke and the vet told me to put her down. I was so confused. I could not find it in myself to put Kessie down just to save me unnecessary costs. It'd be like putting your own child down just to save money. Kessie had liver problems, heart problems and on top of that her stroke. She could not walk, could not move around and always had to be turned, carried around, washed 4 times a day coz she could not control her pee and shit. He asked me what kind of quality of life was I giving her. Mummy told me not to be selfish and put her through all this suffering just so that I could be happy she's alive.
But somehow, I managed to convince myself Kessie would overcome this. She would get better. I did some research on those doggie wheelchairs, and I even picked out a design. I would have loved to see Kessie running around in those things. I was waiting for the next visit to the vet, which was scheduled 1 month later to ask him again what he thought of it. During these 2 weeks after her stroke, Kessie went from a grossly underweight 1.9kilos, to a 2.6kilos! Though it was a far cry from her ideal 5 kilos, her weight increased by 36%! When she started to whine 1 week after her stroke I was so happy! I seriously thought she was getting better. Her legs were stronger and her hind legs twitched more. I never let myself think I was going to lose her. I asked the vet then, given her current situation, how much longer do you think she will last? He told me longest 6months to a year. And I made myself believe I still have one more year.
How can I accept her passing when I saw and felt that she was recovering?!
And there's the guilt. I forgot to feed her the heart medicine this morning. Maybe that's why her heart stopped. Jie was just going to feed her the medicine but she didn't get around to it before kessie went. Maybe if I fed her the medicine, she would live longer to recover? Or she wouldn't have gone so soon? Telling me that she was old and had to go doesn't make these feelings go away. 20 years from now, I'm going to remember how my kessie passed away the day I forgot to give her the medicine.
And there's the upset I feel at thinking how Kessie waited for us to come home. At least I like to think that way, but also how she suffered her last few hours alone. Tricia almost didn't come home, I asked her to come home and it was not because of Kessie I asked her to come home. I would not have come home if I ate while I was out. Since the morning till the night, all day, she saw me for 20mins, and saw jie for maybe less than that, and then she went. The whole day we left her like that.
There's just so much guilt at what I should have and could have done for her but did not. I did not treasure her. I let myself believe she's always going to be there. So many times I could have come home and spent time with her. So many times I rushed home and I was too busy to even pet her. So many times she followed me out of the house, wanting to go for a walk but I was too busy to go with her.
I feel like I failed her.
When we realised she was gone. We started to cry. Of course we had to cry. She to me was my everything when I stayed with my parents. Everytime I was lonely or sad, she'd be there to lick my tears and comfort me. Touching her gives me the sense of comfort. 13 years of comfort.. I had to hold her. I had to hold her as much as I could as she would comfort me no longer.. She left.
It absolutely broke my heart leaving her at the animal hospital. She was just a tiny bundle in a towel left on a cold table.
I left my Kessie at the hospital. She didn't come home with me. I'll never see her or touch her again like I have done for 13 years.
I wanted to cut her hair before sending her off, but it seemed psychotic. I don't know I was afraid it may have serious mental issues on me. Now I regret. At least that way I will still be able to feel what it was like to touch her.
